When one has understood the Dhamma, one has seen impermanence, non-self and suffering. Doubt in the Buddha’s teaching is gone, perceiving of a self is gone and no longer participate in practice based on tradition that is not found in the Buddha’s teaching.
When the Four Noble Truths have been penetrated into one’s mind, there is nothing we see in life that is separated from Dhamma. Having understood cause and conditions, it’s like surrendering ourselves to what’s happening. We will not feel repulsive when something unexpected happens and naturally, Dhamma will be used to deal with all situations. That’s the path!
Does having fully understood the Dhamma bring happiness? I wouldn’t think so. However, when we use Dhamma to deal with everyday situation, I would say it brings great meaning and joy to it and Dhamma is useful and alive. Happiness? No, I am in pain most of the time, perhaps due to impermanence and experiencing the sufferings of all sentient beings.
I remember a monk once said, when one is painfully threading the “Dhamma” path, one is in the wrong path. I would say when one is painful threading the “Dhamma” path, doesn’t gain insights, doesn’t make progress in accordance with the Buddha’s teaching, one is in a wrong path.
In AN4.163, the Buddha spoke about having pleasant practice with swift insight, pleasant practice with slow insight, unpleasant practice with swift insight and unpleasant practice with slow insight. I guess I belong to the path of unpleasant practice with slow insight. Doesn’t matter if it’s superior or inferior as long as I arrive at the right destination.
Anger. The Buddha’s teaching is beautiful. In a sutta, Buddha said that when one practises loving-kindness, it is not possible for one to have ill will. Anger does not necesarily come with ill will. When loving-kindness, compassion and altruistic joy is practised well enough, there will be completely no room for ill will to arise (AN6.13). How could one with a mind filled with loving kindness and also experience sufferings have bad wishes for others? This is not possible. Altruistic joy is effortless and seems easy but, only with practising loving kindness and non-ill will can genuine altruistic joy arise. There is no short cut to it. To be aware of anger is good. To be able to restrain from speech and action arise from anger is also a good practice to me for now. I have to love myself in order to carry on practising the Dhamma. Anger still arises. At times, equanimity takes over, at other times it doesn’t. It’s ok.
I can’t explain sensual desire much. I can live with it and I can live without it. I can have a chocolate I love and I can live without having it as well.
Lust for form and lust for formless… I didn’t pay much attention on these.
Here comes conceit and restlessness. Ever since I’ve understood the Dhamma as a whole, I began to have a feeling of sadness and pain. Such feelings did not obstruct my concentration during meditation. I’m able to handle the five hindrances well, mainly because I’m always curious about how Buddha made his way into deep and profound concentration and insights. Therefore, I work very hard and used all methods to try and understand the Buddha. Light is an obstruction. Stop chasing it. Seeing form is an obstruction, don’t concentrate on that. Don’t rely on chanting or music. No insight will arise. When the Buddha said be mindful of our body, feelings, mind and phenomena, he meant it! Anything outside his teachings, it’s a wrong path. In fact, when one is already in the stream (not known by the practitioners yet), even the initiation of a vision of a Buddha could lead you to an equanimous mind instead of the vision of the Buddha. This only tells me that we are never in control. When you are in the stream, you are in the stream!
Due to the consistent reminder of the Dhamma, the sadness, I began to wonder why is this keep repeating and repeating in my mind and one day, out of no where, the fetter of restlessness came to my mind and I began to realise that’s the fetter that Buddha had been saying. At the same time, I also realised how closely conceit and restlessness are related. Buddha was beyond excellent! Anger, sadness, pain, these belong to a restless mind outside meditation that requires more effort to deal with.
Despite having penetrated the understanding of non-self, comes a big word “conceit”! I have never thought of all the fetters much, neither am I interested in attaining this or that. I simply follow what the Buddha taught. I guess, when the condition is right, insight for that moment of practice pops up. When it does, it’s telling you what should be done, allowing us to be more aware of the situation.
Right now, the eradication of the conceit “I” and the removal of restlessness fetter seems a long and tedious journey. Something that I can’t see that it would happen this lifetime. However, I can always practise restraining myself, be mindful and paying careful attention to the best that I can and set a strong foundation so that I will not flinch again when I experience another level of absorption.
In a sutta (SN17.23), Buddha said a monastic must follow an example of a well trained monastic and a lay follower must follow an example of a well trained lay follower. Very true indeed. I can’t understand the cultivation and progression of a monastic. And the monastic cannot understand the training of a lay practitioner except the Buddha!
In AN7.53, Venerable Sariputra praised a female lay follower, Nandamātā, for practising well and this gives me so much encouragement and comfort. It touched me so much as I see the generosity of Venerable Sariputra which seem to be lacking these days.
With the understanding of the fetters, conceit and restlessness, I have also come to understand those, especially the monastic, who haven’t gotten rid of the conceit fetter.
The Buddha said “dwell with yourselves as an island, with yourselves as a refuge, with no other refuge; with the Dhamma as an island, with the Dhamma as a refuge, with no other refuge (SN 22.43).’ It’ll save us a lot of time and effort when we heed his advice. It’s always peaceful when we rely ourselves as an island, as a refuge, rely on the Dhamma as an island, as a refuge… Praise the Buddha!
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